THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FEARLESS WARRIOR

A man just sat down next to me in the coffee shop.  I didn't notice him at first, not until his body odor reached my nostrils.  I sat up straighter and eventually stole a sideways glance at him.  His hair, matted; his clothes, dirty.  In front of him sits a steaming shot of espresso.  At $2.15, it's the cheapest thing Starbucks sells.  

I am in this moment acutely aware of the privileged life I lead.  That I'm paying $80 for a babysitter right now, plus another $5 for the overpriced coffee in front of me, so that I can type words on a screen that may or may not be important to anyone besides myself.  

It seems he's come here to charge his phone.  

I have come here to charge my heart, but instead have wallowed here at my circular table and down internet trails. I have questioned my value, ability, and direction in the span of a few hours and written zero words on a page because when you question your value, ability, and direction there's not much to write.  

He's leaving now.  He shuffle/limped to the trash/recycle/compost area and took a moment to decide where to deposit his cup.  I'm surprised by this for some reason.  A beige trench coat is draped over one arm as he exits the building on this summer day. I wonder how he got here in life.  I have no idea where he will go next.  I wonder if he knows.

The truth is, though, that I have no idea where I'm going either.  I have every single thing I could ever need, a beautiful family, a lovely home, and yet my heart feels homeless sometimes.  I don't really know what I'm doing in life.  Does anyone?  Do you?  

I'm inspired by people who seem to know who they are.  They are confident in what makes them unique and live fully into that.  They build businesses and lives out of the sheer fabric of themselves, and it's motivating and paralyzing at the same time.  

What if my fabric is not worth sewing?  

I'm learning, however, that this war with myself is bigger than me.  It's something that every person faces in time.  But it often feels like a pretty lonely and misunderstood place.  It's a place that not many of us are brave enough to talk about, but we all experience.  

Most of us have two lives. The life we live and the life we want to live.  What stands between the two is fear, doubt, resistance.  

Stephen Pressfield writes in The War of Art, "Resistance will tell you anything to keep you from doing your work...Resistance is always lying and always full of shit."  

Amen to that.  

The other thing he said that has been pushing me forward right now is this, "Resistance will unfailingly point to true North - meaning that call or action it most wants us to stop doing. We can use this.  We can use it as a compass.  We can navigate by resistance, letting it guide us to that calling or action that we must follow before all others."  

When we question and doubt, the misunderstanding people in our lives might think, "We are here again?" with an internal eye roll.  But this resistance is an unrelenting force. It is a battle that must be fought every single day in order to win the war.  Each morning brings new resistance and new fear that must be slain.

If you feel this resistance and want to give up, I beg of you to press on.  If you are asking yourself, "Who am I?  Am I really a writer or artist or good mother or strong businesswoman?" chances are you already are.  Those with total confidence are the counterfeits among us.   The real ones are scared to death.  

You have no idea how much peace that gives me.  I've been scared to death my whole life of the things I'm trying to do.  I always thought there was something wrong with me; I think other people did too.   The truth is though, that I'm fighting a unrelenting battle on this earth to live into the life that I'm supposed to, and I always will be.  

I feel compelled to say today that if you are afraid, unsure, unravelling, or paralyzed, I get it. I get you. I am unfortunately a master of self-sabotage, and have committed treason on myself more times than I can count. 

There is no such thing as a fearless warrior.  What matters most, though, is not living without fear; it's facing the fear with trembling hands and punching it in the face.  

This place of fear.  This place where you are stuck is not the end.  It is the middle.   

There is no way out, only through.  

The middle is hard, y'all.  The middle is where we give up.  The middle feels like treading water, and we can't see the distant shore.  But the middle is the place of transformation...it's the whole point.  It's where we decide to sink or swim, to make life a daring adventure or numb ourselves right out.  

Please don't stop in the middle.  We are meant to experience the middle like a butterfly is meant to experience the struggle of emerging from it's chrysalis.  Without the struggle, it can't fly.  Neither can you.  

If you've been waiting, comparing, and making excuses, stop.  Stop waiting.  Stop comparing.  Stop making excuses.  Just go and do that thing.  Even if it's hard.  Even if you're scared.  Everything you want lies on the other side of your fear.  And believe me, I'm preaching to the choir here.  

It takes intense heat to refine precious metal, intense pressure to make a diamond, intense irritation to create a pearl.  Our transformation is no different.  

I'd rather be the diamond than the lump of coal.  You?

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WEEKEND|REFRESH WORDS

It's now been a month and a half since our glorious Weekend Refresh Retreat.  I've wanted to write about it so many times, but I haven't quite known what to say.  I think I needed some time and the perspective that comes with that, but still am just having a hard to even put into words the experience of the weekend.

We laughed, we cried, we ate, we drank, we learned, we reflected, we stand-up paddle boarded, we shared beds and bathrooms and space and life.  It felt kind of sacred.

I think as I started planning the retreat, I realized how much of a need there is for women in this season of life to have some space carved out for them.  We are weary and usually taking care of everyone except ourselves.  A traditional conference, though away from kids and life, doesn't really allow the space for decompression and reflection and rest.  I wanted to create that space for these women, and allow them to simply show up and receive.  I wanted them to be surrounded by beauty, support, and encouragement.  

I could literally feel people exhale over the weekend.  Looking back over the photos, eyes got brighter, smiles got bigger, people sat closer together.  A sense of aliveness and clarity just swept through everyone.

While I still struggle with putting my own words to the retreat, I thought maybe the women's words would be a truer description.  These are from an anonymous survey I sent out post-retreat, and quite frankly blew me away.

I loved connecting with so many different women.  I loved the smaller size of it, how we were able to meld together so wonderfully and deepen relationships.  I loved how honest and open all the women were - what an amazing group of strong women that gathered! 

I loved the workshop + time to reflect.  It really really really helped me understand myself in a way that gave me strength and courage I so desperately needed right now.  And I feel like the quiet time and strength has lasted...I'm still able to come to a place of knowing that I can and will succeed through my daily challenges. 

This was exactly what I wanted...a retreat with Christian women that was more intimate, more vulnerable, easier to make solid new relationships and build on the old ones, more fun and less scheduled, but still left me with my bucket and my toolbox filled.   

Just an overwhelming feeling of gratitude!  You wouldn't believe me if I told you how many people I have raved about this to or how many conversations have continued about core values, taking time to rest, etc.  It was truly life-giving and felt like a true gift.

When I asked the women to describe the retreat in one word, here's what they said:

Valuable 

Amazing 

Centering 

Refreshing 

Life-Giving

If, at the beginning of all the planning, I had written out my hopes for the retreat, these would have been my words.  Verbatim.  What started as a tiny little thought, grew into this amazing thing that impacted these women for the better.  I am so humbled and thankful every time I think about it.  It was so worth it.  

WEEKEND|REFRESH RETREAT IN PHOTOS

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  I don't think I could ever adequately describe to you the beauty in this weekend.  The location, the house, the women inside and out.  

So, let's do a photo walk through of the retreat.   These photos have all been culled from women on the retreat.  Thanks so much for sharing these, ladies!  

FRIDAY

The women started arriving around 7pm on Friday night.  Upon arrival they were handed a blackberry fizz cocktail and sent to the patio to decompress from whatever they left behind...a million logistics of childcare and work and husbands and crazy lives.  

I had the most fun creating some special touches for the women's rooms.  It was such a joy to put together.  

My dear friend, Kelsie, planned, prepped, and cooked ALL the food for the retreat, and it was nothing short of AMAZING.  I could not have done it without her! 

We had 16 women (included myself) on the retreat.  Some women only knew one other person, some knew a bunch, but all of them rolled in gracefully ready to embrace each other and the weekend. 

Taking this photo was probably the most surreal thing for me.  This vision was actually reality.

SATURDAY

We started Saturday morning off with a devotional about identity through transition.  (A post on that is coming soon.)  Prior to the retreat, I had asked the women what they were struggling with, and this idea of "Who am I now...?" came up from so many people.  

My sister-in-law, Jaclyn, led an incredible workshop about our Core Values.  Again, something I plan to post on soon with some materials from the retreat.  And afterwards, everyone had an hour of silence/self-reflection time that afterwards.

Sometimes in our whirlwind of daily life, we get out of the habit of taking time to really reflect inwards with ourselves.  We are so busy and moving from place to place and thing to thing all the time and that becomes the norm.  Having an hour to sit and journal and think is a rarity, and I heard from many people that this was their favorite part of the retreat.

We might have had carnitas tacos with margaritas for lunch.   I told you we ate well!  And then everyone had free time until dinner that night.  

I loved how everyone felt comfortable to do their own thing.  Some women kayaked and stand-up paddle boarded, some hung out by the pool, some took a nap in the sun, some went for a run, some put their headphones in and read a book, some spent more time journaling in quiet.  It was a pretty sweet sight.  

 

Saturday night, we had a big dinner party which was so much fun!!  Kelsie treated us with prosciutto wrapped asparagus, roasted grape and olive crostini, a delicious salad, and sweet potato gnocchi in a brown butter sage sauce.   Yum-O!   We also got to celebrate a birthday that day with a scrumptious chocolate cake.  Here's Kelsie working her magic in the kitchen.  

There were apparently some shenanigans on the porch over appetizers the involved red lipstick.  I love how happy and relaxed everyone looks, and I love that red lipstick makes women feel bold and a bit daring. 

Yep.  We fit 16 women around one table!  Can I say again how amazing this house is??

SUNDAY

Sunday morning arrived, and a few brave souls got up early and hiked Saddleback Trail.  

We wrapped up our time together that morning with women sharing some things that came out of our core values workshop and reflection time the day before.  It was so cool to hear their ideas and their aha moments and their hearts in it all.  Each one of these women is a beautiful soul through and through.  

Sadly, our time did have to come to a close.  I'm just honestly so very thankful for this time.  It was such a privilege to share time and space with each one of these women.  They were willing, brave, vulnerable, thoughtful, honest, fun, loving, and utterly breathtaking.

Hopefully, Weekend Refresh 2018 will be on the books soon!!