As you might have noticed, I haven't been doing much writing on this blog. I want to. I really do. Lots of circumstances keep me from it, but most of all are my own demons. The lies that ask really mean questions, say destructive things, and make me doubt that I have anything worthwhile to share or say. This D.W. Winnicott quote kills me. I live this quote.
I've been learning a lot about myself recently. I'm an introspective, self-reflective person. I love that kind of stuff. I love digging into what makes me tick. Give me a couple of free hours and you will find me self-reflecting with coffee and a journal, preferably on a beach somewhere. I find freedom in processing my thoughts and not letting them get all tangled up inside me. If I can get a single thread from my head to my heart to my pen, and that thread flows out the tip of my pen as I write, it unravels the jumbled ball of yarn thoughts into something that makes sense most of the time. They are lined up and form patterns and that yarn can be made into something beautiful.
It's not the actual writing that I love to do. It's the clarity that often comes as I put pen to paper. Thoughts that wrestle loudly in my mind are quieted poured out onto the paper.
One of the things I have learned about myself is that I am an Obliger. This is a term coined by Gretchen Rubin in her book Better than Before. If I have a deadline or someone is counting on me for something, I can always pull through and get it done. I can meet outside expectations all day long, but if I have an expectation of myself, I have trouble meeting and upholding it. It's frustrating and disappointing, and I don't like that I can do all the things for all the people, but I can't stick to my own word for myself. So, in order to combat that, I need to create external accountability for my internal expectations. If I want to work out, but know that I won't actually go by myself, I need to plan to meet someone there. If I want to write on this blog, I need to tell you that I'm going to post twice a week so you will be waiting for it and that knowledge will help me hold myself accountable.
So there. I said it.
I'm going to try my best to post twice a week here!!!!!
Ack! I may have just dug a hole for myself! It might not always be a fully formed thought or the most fabulous writing, but another thing I'm learning is that perfectionism can be my greatest strength and greatest weakness. I hold myself to an often unattainable standard, which then means that I'm paralyzed and don't do anything at all.
A few weeks ago, we went to church and the message was entitled, "Tiny House Faith." I believe the bullet points on the bulletin went something like this: 1. Tiny Person 2. Tiny Words 3. Tiny Warning. Now I know that I don't have a monopoly on the word "TINY," but given the fact that literally the week before I had just launched this blog called Tiny Uprisings, I couldn't help but think that his words were meant just for me. I sat up a little straighter and listened intently as his words were directed straight to my heart. And what I heard made me believe even more in what I'm doing.
I am a tiny person with tiny words, and my tiny story can have an amazing impact.
God says the tiny person matters. God says tiny words matter, and there is a tiny story of hope that He wants to write through me even though I may feel that my part is insignificant. There are no small days, no small decisions, no small actions. Each tiny uprising in my faith, my home, my mothering, my marriage, my friendships matters.
So no matter how insignificant I feel my thoughts or writing may be, I'm going to post here. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you'll be inspired. Maybe you'll say, "Me too." Maybe you'll think I'm crazy or silly or inconsequential, but I'll still write because it's what I'm made to do. Running after it, and I give you permission to hold me accountable. :)
